Growing up in Gen Z - Healthy or Harmful??

I don't know how better to title this, so for now, this is it. Although this is a subject I've considered writing about for a while, the immediate catalyst comes from a short video I saw on Facebook yesterday. (Oct. 21st, 2025) I'll post it at the end; but the woman is talking about how my generation was brought up to repress our feelings and, "chin up" rather than learning how to process them properly. I started to talk about this in a footnote from the Sermon Summary I posted yesterday afternoon; but I know that it will get far more readership here. Considering how relatable a subject this is, I felt like it was important to reiterate what I had said before and elaborate further here.

Now, to start with, I think it's important to understand where our parents were coming from. Here's the overview from the search I just did --

The idea of "children should be seen and not heard" originated from a 15th-century English proverb, recorded in a book by John Mirk around 1450, which originally referred specifically to young women. It was a religious and cultural expectation of the time for young women to remain silent unless addressed directly. The proverb was later generalized to include all children, reflecting a cultural view where children's needs and opinions were considered less important than those of adults. 

• Origin:

  The saying is traced back to a 15th-century proverb written by an Augustinian clergyman named John Mirk in his work, Mirks Festial. 

• Original context:

  The original proverb was "A mayde schuld be seen, but not herd," which translates to "A young woman should be seen, but not heard". It was directed at young women, who were seen as secondary citizens and were expected to be quiet in adult company. 

• Evolution:

  Over time, the proverb's meaning evolved to apply to all children, not just girls. The saying became a widely accepted rule for children's behavior, reflecting a cultural view that minimized their input and treated them as less knowledgeable

As we can see from this, the idea of children being seen as "less important" has a long history. Our parents and grandparents weren't just making this up to punish us. Somebody of influence started the idea, likely out of frustration after too many questions, and it, unfortunately, stuck. Until recently. For the first time in history, humanity has come so far in our understanding of psychology and child rearing that we FINALLY realize how wrong this was.

For me, personally, it was particularly damaging. I grew up with my parents and my maternal grandfather from the age of about 4 yrs old in 1973, until my grandfather passed in the Spring of 1987. I was allowed to speak without first being spoken to, but between my mother's Narcissism, my grandfather's disapproval in some of the ways in which I was being raised (as an only child, no less)*, and a Private Baptist school that simply told me to "Ignore the bullies and they'll leave you alone.", it's no wonder I've had such a hard time with romantic relationships.* Heck, ANY relationships, for that matter.

While my mother's Narcissism was something I hadn't entirely understood until the past 10 yrs or so, it was very much a negative influence during my childhood. Not only did it make her emotionally distant with me; but her own upbringing of kids being "less important" resulted in her refusing to listen when I wanted to talk about how harmful her attitudes and behaviors were to me. It was her position that, "Children are not meant to tell their parents what to do." While I was trying to show love, forgiveness, and a desire for maternal compassion, she was all about the old-school attitudes and perspectives.

The best part of my upbringing, at least in terms of my emotional well-being was the one part my grandfather disapproved of. (At least that I was aware of) I was allowed to make my own decisions regarding breakfast and lunch foods. While there were full-sized boxes of things like Cheerios and Corn Flakes available, my parents also bought those variety packs of the little boxes. In this way, I had more options for about the same money as the single large boxes. I was also allowed to choose my clothing for either school, Church, or play. Of course, attending a Private Christian School as I did K-12, my choices for that were the same as my choices for Church, at that time. (Thank God for more casual environments now!!) While it was good for my autonomy to have been given these choices, the lack of confidence brought on by my mother's emotional neglect has sometimes made choosing a difficult task.

As for my life at School, there was always a huge dichotomy. While I love to learn*, there were the aforementioned bullies. This became more prevalent from 6th grade onward. In the earlier years, it wasn't so much bullying as teasing. Much of this stemmed from my mother's emotional neglect. It made me unsure of myself, resulting in a lack of confidence and low self-esteem. This, of course, is what bullies prey on. Although, at the time, I didn't understand that it was due to their own weaknesses. Which, now that I'm thinking about it, stemmed from their own lack of healthier parenting. The difference lay in how each of us reacted to our individual situations. While I became shy and introverted, the guys who bullied me responded with anger and violence. (mostly verbal*) Not to say that I was never angry or violent myself, but for me, the target was my mother rather than my peers. Even as a teen, I understood that my fellow students were not the primary source of my troubles. Therefore, they didn't deserve my punishment. My mother was the problem, so I directed my anger at her. And I'm not proud of this, but I even hit her a few times. At the same time, I was praying for God to help me and to give my mother the wisdom to listen to what I had to say. Oh, and that dichotomy I was talking about?? As hard as it was to face the bullying nearly every day for 7 years of my life*, at least it got me out of spending 6 hrs. of my day with my mother. Like I said, I love learning. That was the "silver lining", if you will, to my enduring the bullies.

And my teachers' attitude of ignoring them?? Well, that clearly didn't work. Now, being that I attended the same school my entire childhood, I don't know what the philosophy was in the Public Schools at that time. I can only imagine that it was the same. That being said, I did actually spend just one day in a Public School. There was a rare moment when I was in 4th grade when my friend, Heather, who was 2 yrs younger, but my only friend who lived close to me, had school when I didn't. As the day approached, her mother arranged for me to visit Heather's class. I was given work to match my grade level, and went to other classes, like Art, with her and did the assigned picture. At recess, I was pushed off the swing by another student. The teacher on watch reprimanded her, and make sure I was okay. Until my brief time in college*, that was the extent of my Public School experience. All of this having been said, my parents' intention for sending me to a Private School was to avoid my having to experience the same bullying my mother had gone through as a child. Guess what, mom and dad, bullies are EVERYWHERE!! Just because I was being better educated in a supposedly "better environment" didn't stop kids from being kids. It's simply human nature to attack someone who appears weaker than ourselves. (or as weak, as the case seems to prove)*

In the meantime, due to problems in my marriage that began in 1992 and ended at the end of 2010/beginning of 2011, I started going to Therapy. At first, Rich and I had a local pastor over to visit for some Marriage Counselling. The advice we were given was to make lists of expectations, both for ourselves and for each other. Afterward, we were to exchange lists and discuss. That was all well and good, but it didn't turn out to be enough for me. Over the next several years, I ended up in a few different Counselling Offices before getting on Medicaid and settling in with one with whom I continued for the better part of 15 yrs before she retired in 2020. By this time, I was only seeing her once or twice a year. In 2006, however, I requested to be tested because I was feeling "stuck", not just in life, but as a person. The result of this showed that I am High Functioning PDD. For those of you who may not be familiar with this diagnosis, the PDD stands for Pervasive Developmental Disorder. This essentially means that my "default setting", if you will, tends toward the literal. Not to the degree of the hilarious children's series, "Amelia Bedelia" (unless I'm being purposely funny), but still not quite the "normal" level at which most people think. The most relatable example that describes the difference between "average" PDD and my High Functioning level is rain. While someone might look out the window during a hard downpour and say, "Man, it's raining cats and dogs out there!!", the "average" PDD person would look out and say, "Where??". These are people with no sense of humor due to their lack of ability to understand allegory or sarcasm. My response would be to look out and say, "Gosh, that would have to hurt!!". That's the High Functioning bit. I have a fairly good grasp of allegory (as long it fits the subject well enough and is in my frame of reference), and I could have written the book on sarcasm, although I don't always know when others are joking. Aside from that, PDD comes with emotional immaturity, a low stress threshold, and a co-morbidity of ADD. Combine that with a Melancholy/Phlegmatic/INFJ personality, and I'm a delight!! ;p ;p Especially when you add in the Anxiety and Depression* caused by my mother, my Legalistic Baptist schooling, and multiple failed romantic relationships, along with alienating at least one of my 3 kids after the divorce, (his decision, not so much mine, although we're somewhat closer now), and a lifetime of poor finances, and yeah... hi, this is me.

My peers and I may talk about all the fun we had drinking from the garden hose (yes), being out until the streetlights came on (not me) during the 70's, making mix tapes and sneaking Boone's Farm Wine Coolers in the 80's (yes/no for me), and raising our kids in the 90's and early 2000's.* But how are we REALLY doing, my friends?? Have many of you become the "well-adjusted", "better than our parents", honest, open, and loving spouses we always dreamed of being?? Or are we still stuck in old perspectives and attitudes that no longer serve us?? Not that they ever did, but how many of us have truly come out the other side as better people?? I was literally into my 40s before I stopped caring what other people thought of me. Meanwhile, I attended Parenting Classes off and on from the time I was 5 months pregnant with my oldest child. (She's 31 now) And most of that was secular psychology, which, of course, was diametrically opposed to how I was raised, in at least some ways.

Raise your hands if you were spanked as a child. Yep, I'm right there with you. And for me, it wasn't only at home. Back in the 70's, schools were still allowed Corporal Punishment of kids!! Therefore, the rule in my house was, "If you get spanked at school, you get spanked at home to back it up.". This happened more than once. At the same time, I was spanked at home just for acting up with my parents. This happened far more. At school, "The Paddle" was a piece of varnished wood that was about 2' long, not including the handle, and maybe 4" wide. It was probably a good quarter inch thick. All punishment was doled out equally, 3 swats to the bare butt. Both boys and girls. At home, I got the wooden spoon. At least until my mother broke it on me one day. I made the mistake of laughing when it happened... Now that I think about it, that may have been the last time I was ever spanked, although at this point, I can't be sure about it.

Regardless, the Parenting Classes I attended over the course of about 10 yrs or so, mostly said, "Spanking is bad. This only serves to humiliate the child and make them hide bad behavior in the future." Instead, we were told that positive reinforcement of good behavior, along with mostly natural consequences of bad behavior was the answer. Aside from that, logical consequences are best. For example, if you break something, you pay to replace it. You don't get a spanking added for "good measure" in order to reinforce the point. That serves no purpose other than to make the child feel ashamed and embarrassed.

So what's a Christian parent to do with the verse in Proverbs that "supposedly" tells us, point blank, to smack our kids?? The answer lies in further study of both the Bible and the brief course I took on Active Christian Parenting, offered by the same person who led the regular group. (While this post is relatable across the board, this IS primarily a Christian Blog, after all.) In essence, it's important to understand the difference between the words "punishment" and "discipline". While the former is used as revenge by the parent for suffering the embarrassment of the child's misbehavior, the latter is a gentle means of teaching right from wrong. The following article explains it beautifully, along with all the Bible references to support it. -- https://www.christianity.com/wiki/christian-life/is-the-phrase-spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child-in-the-bible.html

In closing, I pray that my story will serve to help others feel less alone in their struggles. At the same time, I would appreciate your prayers as I continue to navigate my own.

-- God Bless!!

Footnotes:

1. As indicated in today's Sermon Summary, my younger brother died of Crib Death at the tender age of 2 1/2 months. I was only 3 yrs. old, so I barely remember him. It was the following Spring that we moved in with my grandfather.

2. My current relationship with Mike is both amazing and challenging. It's amazing in that he's the 2nd of my former boyfriends from Job Corps 1(990-92) to reappear over the last 10 yrs. It's also wonderful in the fact that he encourages me to speak my mind without fear of retribution. "Start with the fact that I love you", he says. And it's not that my ex-husband DIDN'T encourage this, it's just that all my "baggage", along with my newly discovered PDD simply couldn't handle the stress of 3 kids and no money. In the meantime, I've discovered that regular jobs simply don't work for me. I've been on Disability since 2013. At the same time, Mike's and my relationship is challenging first of all, due to distance. We live 1 1/2 hrs. apart. Secondly, it's hard because of his own negative upbringing. Until I came back around, nearly 4 years ago now, he had always been made to feel like he had to earn love, even from his parents and siblings. (He was the middle of 3 until his brother passed about 6 yrs or so ago.) He shared with me early on this time that God had told him he had one final chance at love, and that it is me. As a result of this, I can't help but wonder if he's also MY last chance for love. What I've discovered in the time we've been reconnected, however, is this - Jeremy's reappearance 10 yrs ago prepared me for the mental challenge of dealing with my next boyfriend, Rob, who I met here in my building back in 2019 and dated for about 8 months during 2021. I don't have a great history in "suffering fools". AKA those who have lower Common Sense than I do. Meanwhile, I have realized that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses in either Common Sense or Book Learning. That being said, Rob's size prepared me for Mike's new size, (both are around 375 lbs.) and both him and Jeremy prepared me for Mike's comparatively low measure of Common Sense. (Comparative to my own, that is, which is among my core strengths, so... yeah.) Piggybacking on this, my love for learning was counteracted by my strength in Common Sense over Book Learning. This meant that, as much as I love a good education, I struggled to pass most of the time.) (My class ranking was 17 out of 20. Yes, my school was REALLY small!!)

3. You know that old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones; but words will never hurt me."?? Well I think we've all realized by now that that's a load of crap!! Being pushed off a narrow concrete ledge while the teacher's son walks by on the stairs with the trash barrel only hurt for a few days while my scraped knee healed. But the words he and others spewed at me day in and day out produced long-term effects that have taken decades to recover from. (And I still struggle.)

4. Literally the ONLY times in those 7 yrs. that I WASN'T bullied were the 5 of the 6 weeks in 10th grade when I stayed with my aunt following my father's Panic Attack that seemed like a Heart Attack (the 1st week was vacay), and the 3 days during Junior year when I was out due to my grandfather's death. (And at the end of that year, I still received a Perfect Attendance Award.)

5. I spent about 3 months in College for Interior Design before dropping out. Knowing what I know now, I honestly don't think I could have succeeded in such a challenging and demanding field. That being said, I now have several Pinterest boards dedicated to the hobby.

6. As to my major bully also being weak, his father was the President of one of the local banks at that time. I don't know how much pressure there was on him to succeed; but I do know that he was among the top of our class in terms of boys. I also want you all to know that, about 11 or 12 yrs ago now, I think, I actually reached out to this guy on FB, telling him that I had long since forgiven him. We haven't been "chatty" by any means, but we're friends now.

7. While I was treated for Anxiety and Depression briefly, it didn't do enough to make it worth the trouble. My goal at the time was to grow enough in my faith so that I wouldn't need meds. That didn't necessarily happen, but I've gone unmedicated regardless. What I exhibit is generally known as "High Functioning Depression", or "Smiling Depression". I think this goes beyond the typical masking, as it is basically unseen by others, even in private. My Spiritual Growth has definitely helped, but I'm not always as satisfied with my life as it may appear.

8. All of these nostalgic things may have promoted autonomy, but they did nothing whatsoever for our ability to process emotions. At least not with our parents' help. The "coming of age" movies that are coming to mind for me right now are "Stand By Me", and the lesser known, (to me, at least) "Now and Then". (The latter was just introduced to me by Mike a couple of years ago. I LOVE IT!!) The boys and girls in these films form bonds like none I ever experienced growing up, and I truly envy that.

   
   

Here's the video that prompted this Reflection -- And this isn't the exact one, either, but it's easier right now than going on Facebook and looking for it. Excuse the language, but her points are valid.

https://www.tiktok.com/@therealslimsherri/video/7328513747654577454?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

As the Breakfast Club is, hands down, the most iconic movie of our generation, in terms of "coming of age in HS movies", not to mention a personal favorite of mine, these images win the night for this post...

I especially appreciate this one due to the fact that I relate the most with Alison in this movie. I didn't have many friends, nor did I get in trouble during HS. I might have easily been the one to show up for Saturday detention, simply out of boredom. (Except for the fact that we lived 2 towns away from my school... ;p