Forgiveness - Facts and Fictions

Since I have encountered so many people in recent months who either haven't properly understood the truths of Biblical forgiveness, or even forgiveness as it exists in the secular world, I have decided to write about it here. That way, rather than repeating myself 500x, I can simply direct people to this article after articulating just one or two points. While many of these people have been on Quora, there was one woman from my Fellowship Group at Church last week who didn't understand. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance this morning to ask her if she had taken what I said to heart, but at least I gave her the impetus to study further than she had before.

Let's explore these points together, shall we??

Reconciliation

Having grown up in a primarily Christian environment as I did*, and more to the point, being a product of the 70s and 80s, I was always taught that forgiveness required full reconciliation. Now I can't speak to how this was viewed in secular circles, as I never really saw it in action. But as an adult, I've come to realize how wrong that was.

This showed no forethought of dangers, either physical or emotional to the victims who were required to extend forgiveness to those who had harmed them. There was no consideration for boundaries in this concept. My insight now is that the thought process here must have been based on the fact that God's forgiveness toward us brings full reconciliation between Creator and Created. But only for the Christian. Those "outside" of Christ are still forgiven, because Jesus died once for all, but the fact that they had not accepted Salvation is the barrier to reconciliation for those people. In thinking about this now, the point those in "Church World" Leadership were missing is the fact that, as Believers, the reconciliation poses no threat, to either us from God or to Him from us. It's a safe relationship in every way. Between people, however, this is not always the case. And this includes Christians. Just because someone is a Believer doesn't mean they pose no danger.

Now, I realize that most, if not all Churches these days recognize this and have changed their teachings accordingly. But the fact that it may still exist anywhere makes it a valid point in this discussion. Boundaries, even between family members, are sometimes necessary in order to maintain peace. This doesn't mean that no forgiveness has been extended and/or received. It simply means that, even after the fact, a certain amount of distance may be best for all concerned.

Condoning/excusing bad behavior

The next lie, or fiction, of forgiveness is one I've seen mostly on Quora, but also there is an example of it from my own experiences. Some believe that forgiveness equates to condoning, or excusing, the behavior in question.

This is simply not true. Forgiveness isn't even about the other person. It's about nothing more than clearing our own hearts from the offense. It's about releasing the need for personal vengeance and letting it go. As the saying goes, "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die." It's a pointless waste of energy, and serves no one in any positive way.

The fact is, we don't always even know the other person. For example, when someone cuts you off in traffic, the likelihood of knowing them is slim to none. Do you still have to forgive?? Yes. Because it releases your heart from bitterness and extends grace. There may be a number of reasons they acted as they did. Distractions of either a physical or emotional nature can put any of us "off our game", as it were. By forgiving them, we are not condoning or excusing the behavior, we are simply letting something go that isn't worth our time or energy giving more attention to.

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that's the same for everything. I'm just relating it to that situation, and other similar, ultimately inconsequential issues. I am well aware that there are many scenarios in which far more may be required of us. And honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, this is exactly why regular practice is so important. As with anything else, practice improves our skills. In this case, the practice of forgiveness increases our capacity for it.

The example from my own experiences in terms of someone believing that forgiveness equated to condoning bad behavior came just after Christmas Vacation of my Senior year in HS. (And it's possible that I'm conflating expulsion with unforgiveness here, but this is the story I'm telling.) When returning to the Private Baptist School I attended, in January of 1988, I was shocked to discover that one of my long-time classmates had been expelled. As it turned out, it had been revealed during the break that he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. This made me angry enough... To my mind, they should have been supporting the young couple in Spiritual Guidance for their future, not condemning the guy for his mistake. But then I found out that they were planning to remove his picture from the yearbook, and that was the LAST STRAW!! This guy had only been there one less year than I had!! We had been in the same class since the FIRST GRADE!! I went straight to the Director's Office and lit in to him!! He explained the situation, and mentioned that keeping him in school would been seen by "others" as "condoning his behavior". That being said, they found that they couldn't remove him from the yearbook and still have a Men's Sports section. In thinking about this later, I couldn't help wondering who, exactly these "others" would even BE. Being the outcast of my class, I might never have even known about that, so how was anyone else, outside his circle of friends, supposed to be aware of it?? And that was just in school... how the heck was anyone in the public supposed to know/care?? It was beyond ridiculous!!

Forgiving ourselves

The impetus for this one comes from a recent Quora discussion. As it turns out, there are people who actually view this as self-serving. They think that forgiving yourself excuses or justifies wrong behavior. And yet, these same people have no problem whatsoever with forgiving others. This is mind-boggling, to be honest!! I mean, seriously, what's the difference?? Why is forgiveness okay to extend to others without it excusing wrong behavior, but "forbidden" for ourselves?? It makes no sense.

While this is a point that covers all of us, Believer and unbeliever alike, there is also a Spiritual piece for those of us who do put our trust in God. And that is Mark 11:25. We are told here that, "... if you hold anything against anyone, forgive..." This inherently indicates that "anyone" includes ourselves, right?? Besides which, when we refuse to forgive, whether it be ourselves or anyone else, we are placing our own opinions above God's, when He has AREADY FORGIVEN.

God doesn't forgive unless we do

While this is strictly for the Christians, it's the one I had to explain to my friend last week as forgiveness was a major point in our Fellowship Group in our study of 2 Corinthians 2.

To begin, I knew the verses she was basing her conclusion on --

Matthew 6:14-15 says, ""For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses".

Luke 6:37 - “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

In looking for other references just now, I was struck by a few articles that spoke to the question of offering unilateral forgiveness. Each author seems to think we don't owe forgiveness to those who never repent because, as they see it, that's not what Jesus did, or taught. They suggest that, while we are encouraged to develop a heart that is willing to forgive upon the apology of the offender, we are not meant to take action on it until/unless the other person comes to a place of repentance. They suggest that doing so renders the repentance unnecessary. I simply can't agree.

Based partly on my example above, where we don't always even know those who have wronged us, it just doesn't make sense. I see where Jesus died once for all and take Him at His Word. Let's explore this for a moment, shall we??

Matthew 20:28 - "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Hebrews 7:27 - "Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the sins of the people. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself."

Hebrews 9:28 - "so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.

1 Peter 3:18 - tells us, " For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit."

What do we notice about these verses in relation to forgiveness?? Is there any qualification?? Any limit?? No. Jesus died once for all in order to extend forgiveness. The very fact that all of these passages speak to the point of redemption for sin inherently indicates forgiveness. When a debt is forgiven, it is no longer owed because the company or individual has already covered for it, or plans to.

Therefore, as I explained to my friend, the truth is that the forgiveness already exists. The point then, lies in our acceptance of it*, whether through Salvation or in the moment of our own confession. (See 1 John 1:9) It's not about whether or not God WILL forgive. The truth is that He ALREADY HAS. I further went on to say that the point being made in the verses above where it speaks to the idea of God not forgiving unless we do is that, when we forgive anyone, including ourselves, we then feel more deserving of God's forgiveness.

This is supported in Scripture by Romans 2:4, which encourages us by saying that it's God's kindness, patience, and forbearance leads to repentance. To illustrate, we turn to Matthew 18 --

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.^[a]

²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold^[b] was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.^[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

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We see here that, although the servant appeared to repent of the incredible debt he had owed, the master forgave and didn't renege even after the servant refused to forgive the far smaller amount. This proves that God's forgiveness IS NOT extended or denied based on our forgiveness of others. The "punishment" of unforgiveness Jesus speaks of at the end is really just our own conscience, torturing our hearts and minds when we realize the enormity of what He's done for us and our undeservedness of it..

Also, we read in chapter 12, verse 20 where Paul quotes from Proverbs 25:21-22 as he talks about how showing kindness to an enemy has the effect of "heaping coals" on their head. This essentially means that when we show grace and mercy, the other person will be ashamed for their bad behavior and work to repent. To me, these verses prove that God has shown His kindness to us by sending Jesus to offer forgiveness. This, in turn, is what should draw us into accepting it. Along with the promise of Eternal Security*, God's forgiveness is really what Salvation is all about. As we say at CenterPoint, Christianity is about "Living and sharing a life-changing experience with Jesus Christ." I would contend that the key to that lies in forgiveness.

This brings me to the point of exploring the importance of forgiveness and how to approach it --

1. Personal freedom - As we saw earlier, the point of forgiveness, regardless of beliefs, is to clear our hearts of the offense. This releases our need for personal vengeance, trusting that the offender will suffer the consequences of their actions in some other way. At the same time, we remember that holding a grudge is a waste of energy and serves no one. Also, in forgiving ourselves, as mentioned above, we free ourselves of the punishment we've placed on our own hearts and minds. Once again, we need to ask ourselves what right we have to place our opinions above God's.

2. Integrity - Once again, this is a point that is valid for everyone. Although the Golden Rule stems from Biblical teachings, we recognize that every single group, both religious and non-religious, has some version of this in their code of ethics. The mandate is simple. "Do unto others as you would have done to you." As we are all well aware (or should be), we're none of us perfect. We all make mistakes at times, we don't always have the best motives for our actions. We all need forgiveness in those moments. Why, then, would we not be willing to extend it to others?? This is why I put "integrity" for this one. Not forgiving is simply hypocritical.

3. Giving and receiving - While this has something for everyone, simply based on its close connection with the last one, it also includes Biblical truths. Another commonly used theme at CenterPoint is "receiving abundantly and giving generously". This comes from the idea that, since we have received blessings from God, we are then meant to share them with others.* In relation to this, there are a couple verses which speak to the point here --

   Ephesians 4:32 - Paul is saying that they should forgive because Christ has already forgiven them.

Colossians 3:13 - Similarly, Paul's words here reflect the same idea... "Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" (ESV, from overview)

Over the past 10-12 years, I have come up with a list things that help me to forgive quickly. This was partially based on an experience that took me several years to forgive. Back when my kids were little, my son, Benjamin, was diagnosed with ADHD and put on Ritalin. Most of the time, we only gave it to him during the week, for school. We figured he could use a break on the weekends. During that time, in the Church we were going to, there was a man who generally sat in the row behind us.* At one point, this man had gotten so frustrated with Ben playing QUIETLY under the chairs, that he had him banned from Church!! WTH!!?? The reason that was brought to me was, "Ben's movement is very distracting, and he will not be allowed back until he can learn to listen to you." I continued attending with my girls, leaving Ben at home with his father. It wasn't until sometime, maybe up to a year later, before I stopped going for a while. Not long after I went back, I changed Churches entirely, and for more reasons than that. Like I said before, it took me several years to forgive that guy. (Can you blame me!!??) Although I have long since forgiven him, he actually doesn't know, because I no longer associate with either that Church or with him. And that may be another point that people are misguided about as well. But when you look at it from the same perspective as the stranger who cuts you off in traffic, and/or the person from whom you keep a distance due to a toxic relationship, then it makes sense, right??

So what are these tips?? Let me tell you --

• Remember that not everyone was raised with the same sense of morality as I was. Now, I understand this may apply primarily to us Christians, but since morality and religion are not mutually exclusive, it could cover for everyone.

• Remember that we're none of us perfect. As we would expect grace and forgiveness from others, we need to extend it to them. One of the points in those other articles I spoke of before used Matthew 6:14-15 as saying that forgiveness is a reciprocal thing. But they meant it as, "if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us." As shown above, they have it backwards. We forgive BECAUSE God has forgiven us, not so He will.

• Remember that not everyone understands the situation the same way you do. Not everything that goes wrong is intentional. Some people may just be trying to help.

Another point I have heard, both from Quora and in person, is the idea that forgiveness is not a "one and done" thing, but may be a process where we have to forgive every time we see the person, if that's applicable. I disagree with this. While I admittedly took time in forgiving the man from a former church, my decision was final. If and when I ever see him again, I might tell him that I forgave him, or I may simply let it lie. But my point here is that forgiveness, once chosen, remains constant for that offense. My thought is that it's not about forgiving again, but about behaving in a manner consistent with our decision.

So, as we can see from all of this, the lies we either grew up believing about forgiveness or forged for ourselves as adults, are debunked by the truths above. I pray that this article frees more of you from the trap of the Devil's deceptions concerning this issue.

-- God Bless!!

Footnotes:

1. I not only grew up in various churches, depending mostly on where my mother was playing the organ, but also, as mentioned above, I attended a Private Baptist School.

2. As suggested in the earlier portion about those "outside" of Christ still being forgiven despite their rejection of God, the point the people who wrote those articles were missing is that God's forgiveness DIDN'T DEPEND on those people's repentance. It was FREELY GIVEN. This is actually supported by the verses that tell us that Jesus died ONCE FOR ALL. God's forgiveness isn't conditional on our repentance. As we saw above, it's His kindness in EXTENDING forgiveness that draws us in. Only AFTER we have ACCEPTED Salvation are we ready to repent. After all, a fish has to be caught BEFORE it's cleaned, right??

3. For more on Eternal Security, see my article, also on this page.

4. This concept of sharing with others doesn't only involve the Gospel, but time, talents, knowledge, and/or money, as we have available.

5. It may be important to understand here that my now ex-husband didn't usually join us in church. Sadly, he allowed others to sway his opinion after he first went. That being said, there WERE other times later, but not many.